There are a few things in this life that really impact us. I find that as I get older the effects of the things that impact my life decrease. However, there are some things in life that no one could ever prepare us for and no matter what age we are, the impact is complete and fully felt. These are life altering events that when they occur, we are not the same from one day to the next. We are forever altered. I’d like to tell you one such personal story that deeply impacted my own life and the life of my family.
As Father’s Days approach, I am often reminded how good, or not so good of a father I am. You might hear me on occasion tell people that we are always our own worst critics. I believe it to be true. But I also think that it’s a possible trick of the evil one that creates such doubt in our minds to dissuade us from having confidence in doing good things.
Being a father to my three children has been the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done. They have taught me so much and brought me so much joy and heartache over the years. I have never felt things more deeply than I have with them. I remember I used to get very angry at myself if they got hurt somehow when they were small. I just wanted to protect them all the time and if I couldn’t, I felt like I had failed them. I didn’t know how to be a father, and after they were born, I didn’t know how to interact with them, or what my place in their life should truly be. I had my example that I drew from my own father, but I knew that I couldn’t live up to that expectation. And I confess that even today I struggle with my place. There are times when I am painfully aware that I could do better in this area.
If you know my family, you know that I have 3 children. But what you might not know is that we are a family of five children, we lost two. I like to refer to them as “Angel Babies”. On October 14th, 2014, our 4th child was stillborn. We named him Aaron Joseph. He grew inside his mother’s womb like normal until the day that we went in for a checkup and we found out that things were going to be much more difficult. He had several life-threatening conditions, and we were told that he would not make it. That was a moment that seared into my memory. I asked the doctor to leave so that my wife and I could talk. Suddenly, we went from having the potential of a beautiful life together to a life that had insurmountable trouble if he would survive. Together my wife and I decided to have the baby no matter what because that was what God’s plan was. Our faith at that moment helped make that decision. We knew that God had a plan, and He would provide and take care of us life he had done so many times in the past. This could be no different.
We drafted a note to our church congregation that read: “Our unborn baby boy, Aaron, is not expected to survive past birth. Please pray that as our pregnancy continues, our sorrow will not overwhelm us, but be turned to joy as we think heavenward.”
He passed away inside his mother’s womb shortly before he was born. I got to hold him and pray with him through the night. I still remember his weight on my chest as I rocked him back and forth. I felt like this time was my only chance to be any kind of father to him. I wrote him a song in that rocking chair. It had no words, just a hum of a low melody that vibrated my chest into his. Whenever I think about him, I hum it to myself in hopes that he can either hear it or at least know that I’m thinking of him.
A journal entry from around the time: “Baby Aaron will never know the shame of “Bad fruit”. God spared him from that, He’ll never know pain or suffering. He’ll only know the warmth and comfort from his mother’s womb. Even in his short season of life, he was blessed beyond all measure.”
We buried his remains next to a lake where, when we visit, we can see the reflection of the sky in its calm water.
A father’s faith is so important. A mother’s faith is so very vital, and a family’s faith changes forever the course of their lives.
On July 19th, 2015, We had another miscarriage. We named her Autumn Rose.
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